As a young person growing up in a poor home I had many questions. “Why was I born in this family? Why can’t we have what others are having?” My little heart became discontent with the circumstances I found myself in, and the more I harboured these feelings the more I became discontent and felt that life was not fair.

 

I began to notice that a very strange thing was happening to me. These feelings of discontentment were slowly eating away my inner peace. Something felt very wrong within me, something that I could not explain. I wanted to blame something or someone for all that was not right around me and inside me, but who?

It seemed as though life was out of balance, others were rich, so rich that they would play with bread and feed dogs food we would consider as a delicacy.

On the other hand we were poor, so poor that to make it to the end of the month was a mission. Talk about finding it hard to make ends meet.

As I grew older, my heart grew even bitterer inside. I discovered that the man I always called my father was actually my grandfather, my mother’s father not my own father. Then I asked myself, “where is my father?” Do I even have one and if I did, why was he not in the picture?

These and other questions began to eat at me like cancer. Life is not fair, life is not fair was my daily cry. I think that these were the feelings that caused a certain young lady to exclaim as she concluded: “Life is a prison in which we get imprisoned for the crime of being born.”

Then in 1997 when I was about ten years old, I learned something else about life. It was for the first time that death became real and practical.

I got to understand that at some point life must come to an end for every one of us in this world. That made me more frustrated when I considered that being born poor you may also die poor.

My grandfather was a practical example of that. When he passed away, I then realized that life was not only unfair, but it was also extremely unpredictable.

With my grandfather gone things became more difficult at home. We depended on his monthly pension grant money for food and other household needs.

 

With all the questions I still had at the back of my little brain I realized that no one had the answers. I should just pack the questions away.

 

 They say, “unexpressed or unresolved feelings never die, but are buried alive and they come back later in an uglier way.” Well back then I did not know what to do. I could not even put my feelings into words, so I kept them to myself.

 

I was angry with my mother and father for not being there for me. I was angry with someone or something for being born in a poor family and I buried all those emotions in the dark lonely closet of my heart.

 

Yes indeed they never died, and yes they did come back stronger and haunted me as I entered my teenage years. The fact that I struggled at school with obtaining my school books and that I could not even have a full proper school uniform, used to hurt so much.

I still remember as though it was yesterday when in Grade 5, I did not have the green and yellow school jersey that was required. I use to wear a black one with white stripes, and my class teacher hated that jersey.

Nevertheless, the mornings were cold and what else could I do? So I wore my black jersey despite the fact that I knew she told me never to wear it again.

So she used to do something that was quite an embarrassment to me. She would call me out, Mbonda!! That is my surname, and that is how teachers called us at school. You don’t listen; you are disrespectful, take off that jersey. She would then throw it outside the window and tell me to go back and sit down.

 

The rest of the class would laugh and I was hurting more inside. Somehow I also ended up taking it as a joke. That so-called joke carried on for the whole year even during winter. “Life is unfair, life is unfair!” was still my cry.

 

Also in in Grade 5, I realized that my performance in class was average. I had difficulties understanding mathematics, most specially long division. The same teacher who threw my jersey outside the window, would send us outside after we had failed to get a mathematics sum correctly to pick up stones and do the sum on the ground and come back to report what answer we got.

This was embarrassing because kids from the other classes would see you kneeling on the ground doing a mathematics problem with stones and would know you were one of the dummies in your class.

I noticed that in life when you have these troubles your brain soon develops some sort of coping mechanism and mine did too. When I became unhappy with my life and family, I soon found myself imagining different circumstances, a different world so to speak.

 

I did not know then that this was not really a solution but escapism and would soon cause bigger problems for me. I had difficulty learning because I used to fantasize a lot. I would be sitting in class listening to the teacher and the next moment my mind would be away in another place altogether. I was often absent-minded and that made me to perform very poorly in school. The only subject I was good at was History because it was a story and I could imagine everything as the teacher spoke in class, since I had developed that part of my brain very well I seemed to enjoy it. Yet subjects that required cognitive learning I struggled to grasp. Daydreaming became my downfall and I was left behind. Going to the next grade was just a pass and I managed to cram a few things and got away with it. When I was in Grade 7 things began to change, or should I say they really got worse. I was scoring 15 out of 50 in mathematics tests. I was really intrigued when I saw other kids in my class solving mathematics problems with ease.

 

My thoughts were so negative and I told myself I cannot do this, not me, no not ever. So the second test came, nothing changed - you would think I am lying to you when I say I got the same exact mark, 15 out of 50. I will never be able to understand mathematics and that became an established fact in my mind.

The problem I had was that if I could not see something with the eye of my imagination, if it had no colour then I would not get it at all. In other words images became my way of learning I was a visual learner.

 It was my understanding that there is a way in which a person can do away with all these troublesome subjects. I just had to endure till Grade 9 then I would have a choice of either continuing with them or dropping them and never have to deal with them again.

So I decided I was going to just work for a pass mark until I got to Grade 9 and then do away with the troublesome mathematics and physical science. When the time came I chose to go to class C.

That was what we called the class where History, Geography and Biology were done. What a relief that was to finally part ways with my worst enemies.

First thing I noticed was that I had no friends in that class. All my friends chose physics and mathematics. I felt a bit lost because I was surrounded with strangers.

Above that I had these feeling of being defeated. It troubled me when I thought to myself I did not make a choice based on what I wanted to do; I made it based on what I failed to do.

Basically I had escaped; I am a loser because mathematics and physics had defeated me. These thoughts again began to bother me as I sat there, and I wondered if I was really that dumb.

I think it was three days into the first school week and also a third day in my new class, I was sitting there in the corner of the class. This is usually the biggest class in the school.

As I sat there that day doing what I was good at, daydreaming, I heard someone calling my name. As I came back from wherever I had vacated to, I noticed that my Grade 9 class mathematics teacher was the one calling me.

He asked me to come outside with him. I remember his words as if it were yesterday. He asked me, “What are you doing here?” I was surprised at his question, and I thought well that is a very strange question. I thought it was obvious that I had made my choice. But I did not say so I just asked, Sir?

Trying to see if he would not rephrase his question, but no, he did not, again he asked, “What are you doing here?” Then I answered with a question, with my shoulders lifted to show him I did not see the point of his question.

 

I said, “Sir is there somewhere else I am supposed to be?” He said, “Yes” and with his finger pointing to the mathematics and physics classes he said “there.” I said, “Where! No ways Sir, I am okay here, this is my choice, and I quickly added you know how bad I am with those subjects, I will not cope there.

At this time he put on his very serious face and he looked me in the eyes and said, yes I know how badly you did in mathematics, but I also know what your problem is.

 

You do not apply yourself enough; if you did those subjects would be a piece of cake for you. At that moment I really felt he was making sense, and my heart surged with a very wonderful feeling I cannot describe to you.

It was when I realized that this man standing in front of me believed that I could succeed. Regardless of the fact that he had seen my performance of the previous year, and still he believed that I could do it.

Well this was a decision made almost three years ago and solidified by all the class work and tests I so dismally failed, I was not prepared to change my mind because of this short flattering conversation.

 

So I tried to come up with a stronger argument. I said, “But Sir, my career choice is in line with the subjects I have chosen.” He quickly asked, “What career is that?” I said, “Graphic design Sir.”

 

He replied, “You need mathematics for that as an entry requirement.” I just opened my mouth and stared at him as we stood together outside. For a moment this worked me inside.I thought I must be dreaming, here somebody is taking an interest in my future, and he also sees something in me that I have not seen for the last six years. I must admit it felt so good, I was very glad.To end the conversation, which did not even last five minutes he said, go back there. Take your desk and chair and go there. You know where there is and what it means. Tomorrow when it’s my period I want to see you in my class. Stop being silly, you will pass those subjects. That moment I felt as though I was born again and did as he had ordered. I went back to class, packed my stuff, and went to his class. That was the beginning of a new day.

 

I began to apply myself in my books and I saw the improvement almost immediately. I must admit it was not easy to train my wondering brain to think so intensely, but slowly it got into gear and I moved on. My marks improved and by the time I was at Grade 12, I was not only amongst the top students in my class but I was also doing well in all of my other subjects except Afrikaans. In Grade 12, I even began to tutor other students. I was really happy and satisfied. I could see a possibility of turning my life around. Although I was born poor, I soon realized that God had given me the resources, so that I do not have to die poor should I decide not to. Using my brain and hands and just by succeeding in my school work life took a very new exciting perspective.

I saw the world filled with endless opportunities and limitless possibilities. In the end of my matric year in 2006, I was over the moon, overjoyed I could not contain myself. I got A in mathematics, A for physical science and also an A for Biology.

 

I then decided that I must succeed. This is what this book is all about. It is about sharing my story with you, to prove to you that you can succeed no matter who you are or where you are from.

I want you to imagine as if it was you having the five minute conversation I had with my mathematics teacher back in 2004, which turned my world upside down.

I believe in you, I do believe that there is hope even for the hopeless; otherwise I would not sit nights typing this book you now hold in your hands. With the right kind of motivation and mentoring you also can succeed. You are not the victim but the victor.

Whatever the obstacles you are currently facing, believe with enough determination you can turn it into a stepping stone.

 

I am not really sure exactly where you are at the moment reading this, but nevertheless, borrow my ideas for a few moments, and come along with me. Let us talk together, let us reason, and allow me to share with you all the principles I have learned as I journeyed toward making my dreams come true.